24 HOUR NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELPLINE 0808 2000 247

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How to leave an abusive relationship

This 30 minute documentary describes the dangers and the issues that women leaving abusive relationships face.

It offers a guide to how a survivor of domestic abuse/violence can plan to leave a relationships and the reality of the challenges that this decision can bring.

If you are in an abusive relationship or you are unsure about how safe your relationship is, watch it; as long as it is safe for you to do so.

The programme contains advice from an IDVA, a therapist, a refuge manager, a GP, a specialist police officer and a victim support manager.

Please call the Police on 999 if you are at risk of immediate danger.

Or for information about options available to you call the
24-hour National Domestic Violence
Freephone Helpline 0808 2000 247
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

Look at the Get Help section of this website for other services.

Please keep yourself safe

 

Refuge Valentine’s Day poem

Valentine's Day Poem

My lover, my husband

Please take the time to read this poem and then read it from the bottom to the top; the poem was created for Refuge by advertising agency McCann Bristol,
https://www.refuge.org.uk/refuge-new-reversible-poem-controlling-behaviour-domestic-violence-valentines-day/
It is a chilling reminder of how controlling behaviour and violence can manifest itself.

 

 

Freephone 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247

If you at risk of immediate harm please call the Police on 999

 

Abused by my girlfriend – the story of Alex Skeel

In this documentary, Alex shares his experiences of domestic abuse and violence; he was told that he was 10 days away from death when he was helped by the Police and paramedics. His abuser, his girlfriend, was sentenced to 7 and a half years for coercive controlling behaviour and grievous bodily harm.

18th February 2019 BBC 3 (online via BBC iPlayer) and repeated again on BBC 1 on 19/02/2019 at 10:45 pm

Abused by My Girlfriend tells the remarkable story of Alex Skeel, a 23-year-old man from Bedford who survived an abusive relationship with his girlfriend Jordan Worth.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0700912

By sharing his story, Alex hopes to challenge assumptions about violence and masculinity in relationships, and to empower victims of domestic violence to come forward.

Domestic Abuse in the media

Channel 5 is currently running a series of documentaries about young women who have been murdered by their stalker ex-partners.

https://www.channel5.com/show/stalked-murder-in-slow-motion

 

Episode one is about the brutal murder of  Mollie McClaren who was murdered by her ex partner, two weeks after she ended the relationship. She was 23 years old when she was stabbed repeatedly 75 times.

Episode two is about the equally brutal murder of Hollie Gazzard who was murdered by her ex partner in 2014; she was 20 and was  stabbed repeatedly outside the hair salon where she worked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stalking is a crime and should be reported; if you or someone you know has  been affected by any of the issues in Stalked: Murder In Slow Motion, please contact one of the below websites for help and guidance.

The National Stalking Helpline

https://www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/Category/national-stalking-helpline

The National Stalking Helpline is run by Suzy Lamplugh Trust. Call the helpline on 0808 802 0300

They can help you by giving you information and guidance on topics including:

  • The law in relation to stalking and harassment in the United Kingdom
  • Reporting stalking or harassment
  • Effective gathering of evidence
  • Ensuring your personal safety and that of your friends and family
  • Practical steps to reduce the risk

Network for Surviving Stalking

https://www.scaredofsomeone.org/

They offer advice and information to people affected by stalking; enabling early recognition and the opportunity to seek help. Network for Surviving Stalking, alongside Protection Against Stalking and Suzy Lamplugh Trust, was a founding partner of the National Stalking Helpline in 2010.

Protection Against Stalking

http://www.protectionagainststalking.org/

The vision of Protection Against Stalking is to change society’s perception of stalking, to improve the safety for all victims of stalking and harassment and for perpetrators to be held to account by the Criminal Justice System.

Paladin National Stalking Advocacy Service

https://paladinservice.co.uk/

Paladin is a trauma-informed service established to assist high risk victims of stalking in England and Wales.

Reporting a stalker

https://www.gov.uk/report-stalker

Scared of Someone (Network for Surviving Stalking)

scaredofsomeone.org

 

If you are in immediate danger please call the Police on 999

16 Days of Action Campaign

 

 

16 Days of Action against Gender Based Violence 2018

This year the 16 Days of Action against Gender Based Violence Campaign that the Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Parternship is running, will highlight Hidden Victims; including young people, male victims, same sex couples, Honour Based Violence and Stalking; we want to shine a light on Hidden Domestic abuse and raise awareness so that survivors can seek help and support.

The campaign starts on 25th November 2018 which is the International day for the Elimination of Violence against Women and continues to 10th December 2018, Humans Rights Day.

Watch this space for details of what is happening and where.
Please look for us on Twitter @bedsdv and Facebook Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership

Central Bedfordshire’s Strategic Manager for Domestic Abuse

Our last blog was a bit of an introduction to how the new Domestic Abuse Team in Central Bedfordshire is shaping up.  This week we thought we’d share a little bit more about the things we’re doing day to day to challenge the domestic abuse that goes on in our communities and to improve the experiences of victims all over Central Bedfordshire.

 

A day in the life of the Domestic Abuse Team – Strategic Manager Joy Piper;

Joy is on the end in the blue dress!

I’m an early riser so my day starts early, I am usually logged on and checking my email at around 7.30am. This gives me a bit of peace and quiet to answer any queries that have come in overnight and respond to requests while I’m having my coffee. I also tend to use the time to check my team’s diaries and send them information or support for whatever they are doing that day.

Once I’m in the office my day is generally guided by our ever growing team action plan. A lot of my time in the office is spent writing reports to deadlines for boards, charities and voluntary sector meetings. There is a lot of voluntary agencies and charities doing amazing work in our communities across the borough that need our support. Part of my role is to respond to those needs; to answer any questions professionals or our partners have and to help partners overcome barriers to resources or support. So I am often out and about in the community observing good practice or small projects that need support to grow in order to meet the needs of the every growing number of people who seek support as a result of domestic abuse.

I always make time for lunch and it’s usually a jacket potato with cheese and beans. Cheese first of course 😉

The rest of my day is spent focused on our Domestic Abuse Corporate plan and refreshing our Domestic Abuse action plan. Challenging Domestic Abuse is a priority for Central Bedfordshire Council. Moving it up the agenda and raising the profile of the agencies and charities that work with domestic abuse involves a lot of networking. It means making sure I’m getting into the right meetings, raising the right issues at the right time as well as challenging organisations where practices are no longer helpful to victims, or where learning is needed.

Sometimes I will get calls from managers who have employees who are experiencing domestic abuse and want to know how they can best support them. As a result of these enquiries I am currently trying to develop a responsive staff policy for supporting employees and a separate one for managers detailing what they can do to support any member of their team who is experiencing domestic abuse and needs support

Improving the knowledge and expertise in dealing with domestic abuse has meant spending lots of time developing a training schedule. Along with Debbie Crawford at the learning academy we’ve worked out a training programme which will be embedded in the learning directory from September. We know that getting training right is key for moving the whole council forward in the way they perceive and respond to domestic abuse.

When I get home Loki our 5 year old German Shepard is there to greet me and generally harass me into taking him out for a walk, perfect end to the busy, productive days in the team.

 

Disrespect Nobody

The second phase of the Home Office’s Disrespect Nobody campaign will run from 2 February to the end of March 2017.

The aim of the campaign is to prevent young people, both boys and girls aged 12 to 18 years old from becoming perpetrators and victims of abusive relationships with a focus of the campaign being consent and sexting. Further information on the campaign can be found on www.disrespectnobody.co.uk.

What is consent? Consent means giving permission for something to happen or agreeing to do something and being comfortable with the decision.  Consent has to be given freely and no one can be made to consent to something.

Consent is an essential part of healthy relationships. Both you and the person you’re with always need to consent before sex or any intimate activity.

What is sexting? Sexting is when someone sends or receives a sexually explicit text, image or video.  Pressuring someone into sending a new pic can happen in any relationship and to anyone, whatever their age, gender or sexual preference.

Putting pressure on someone to send a nude pic, or sharing someone’s picture without their permission, even if it’s a friend and they say it’s just banter is wrong.

To find our more details on both subjects, including signs to spot and advice at www.disrespectnobody.co.uk

16 Days Roundup & Government Plans

The Domestic Abuse team here at BDAP has been very busy over the ’16 Days of Activism against gender violence’ which came to a close on the 10thDecember, during this time we:

  • Promoted the White Ribbon Campaign –a campaign which asks males to pledge not to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women.   A number of staff at Central Bedfordshire Council and Bedford Borough Council signed the pledge boards that were in receptions at both councils.
  • Promoted the Women’s Aid Child First Campaign– calling on the Government and family courts to ensure there are no further avoidable child deaths as a result of unsafe child contact with a perpetrator of domestic abuse.
  • Updated the www.centralbeds.wpengine.com website with a number of blog posts, including a survivor’s story.  There has been a significant increase in traffic to the website with 442 people visiting during the 16 days an increase of 2004% on last year.
  • Held two Professional Networking Events, which included presentations from Bedfordshire Police and the IDVA service and market stalls with staff promoting local domestic abuse support services.
  • Held a pub quiz and two bake sales in conjunction with the IDVA service (Victim Support) which raised £929.08; this money will be donated to local domestic abuse support services
  • A domestic abuse safeguarding briefing was delivered to local GPs
  • Two awareness sessions were delivered to staff on the Freedom Programme – a group support programme for females who are, or have been in a relationship with an abusive partner.
  • Developed a social media presence for the team – we are now on Twitter and slowly increasing our followers – @bedsdv
  • Displayed information stalls in Priory House reception & Bedford Borough Hall for the duration of the 16 daysLisa the Domestic Abuse Team Manager said “The aim of the 16 days campaign is to increase awareness of gender violence, so seeing such a large increase in traffic to our website is a brilliant result.   I would like to say a big thank you to the Domestic Abuse Team for all their hard work on this campaign, to our partners and service providers who have supported us and to our colleagues who have supported the campaign.   We have been overwhelmed by colleagues support in terms of attending our events, baking, contributing raffle prizes and for putting their hands in their pockets.   All this support means that over £900 will be going to our local service providers to support victims and their children during the festive period”.During the 16 days the Government have been making announcements about how they are supporting local government to tackle Violence Against Women and Girls as part of their Violence Against Women and Girls (VAWG) Strategy. The overarching theme of this year’s activity is on their work to support victims and encourage early intervention. The Government’s plans are all summarised here in the VAWG-Newsletter-Winter-2016

Survivor Story – Stotfold Children Centre

My name is L and I wanted to write a short description of how Stotfold & District Children’s Centre and The Freedom Programme has been a massive aid to myself and my children over the last 6 months.

In February 2009 I met a man who I believed was good, honest and caring. Unfortunately this wasn’t the case as I started to realise quite early on in the relationship.  He became paranoid and questioned everything I did, trying to control me.

I was naive and young and believed it was because he loved me. In July 2009 the first physical incident happened and I listened to his apologetic nature and went back to him within a couple of weeks and soon realised I was pregnant.

In April 2011 I had our second child. Throughout the first two years I didn’t believe I was in an abusive relationship.  I hid a lot from my family and distanced myself from my friends.  As this was his wish, he made me believe I wasn’t worth friends and the friends who still stuck around, he made me believe they weren’t good enough to be around me or my children or he would cause arguments with my friends just to isolate me.

I felt numb, lonely and worthless. I didn’t have my family close at this point, I only had him and my children and in my mentality this was the only thing that mattered to myself, my family.  I also couldn’t admit to people what was going on.  I felt weak and lifeless.  I didn’t want people judging me as I had children. I never wanted people to think I was a bad mother as I love my children unconditionally.

Last year, more violence happened, but I carried on digging my head in the sand. The first incident of the year was the end of January and quite a vile incident as well.  My partner urinated on me.  This was my first proper attempt for a cry for help and I called the police.    When the police arrived I froze and I didn’t give my statement.  I look back at this point and see how little respect I had for myself and how weak I was towards him.  He was cautioned for this.

In October another incident happened where my partner was arrested for assault by beating and criminal damage against me. I remember looking at my partner at the time and feeling this sense of deflation come over me.  I could not carry on in this situation.  My children were watching this abuse and I thought of them as I picked up the phone to the police for the last time.  He pleaded guilty and a restraining order for two years was put into place.

As my ex-partner left, I was petrified as I knew that day I became a single mum. I made a promise to myself and my children that day; to love and protect myself and my children for as long as I live.  I still didn’t know I had the strength to carry this promise on.

Lisa from the Children’s Centre came into my life a couple of weeks after my ex left, and at this point i’d like to say what an amazing, strong, trustworthy professional and friend she has been. I was very worried and wary of social services and outreach as I have heard the typical horror stories you can hear, but I took it in my stride to prove to them I can be the best mother I can be.

Simon, my social worker, was amazing and was always there to help. He never looked at me in a way that ever felt patronising and always seemed helpful and caring about my situation.  I thank social services for their great help and support throughout the time they were involved.

Lisa and the team were my “rocks” throughout the terrible time I went through. Lisa was continuously on the end of the phone when needed, always there when I needed a helping hand, took great interest on how myself and my children were feeling through the uproar of what had happened and even more so, put me on two fantastic courses.  The Freedom Programme and Triple P Parenting Course.

Freedom helped me understand so much more than what I thought I could. I gained strength, wisdom, hope and friends.  People in my position who greatly understood the importance of exactly what I was feeling.  This course should be available in every county.  I truly believe, looking back, that Freedom turned me into this person I am today.

Triple P helped me open up to my children more. I never could express my feelings towards my children as I was in constant fear of their father keeping tabs on me so I would block my emotions up.  Now a different story…….. I continually tell my children how proud I am of them and how much I adore them.  The change in my children has been immense.  I never thought they would come so far.  They have completely changed for the better and I am so so proud of how great my two children are progressing.  They are safe and happy.  What more could a mother ask for!

I now live closer to my family and my children are settling in well to their new lives, safely. None of this could have ever been possible without the professionals or projects involved.

I owe them my life as they gave me and my children our lives back.

I thank them and love them so much.

I just hope that other women who have ever been affected or is going through an abusive relationship will find the strength to call out for help as it was the best decision I have ever made. I will never forget the horrific time my children and myself went through, but I can now look back and smile with strength as I can see how far me and my children have come and the better life we live.  I want the same for everybody who is/has suffered.

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