You are listening to Relationships Shouldn't Hurt, a podcast brought to you by Central Bedfordshire Council. During this series, you'll be able to hear us talk all things domestic abuse and raise awareness of the support available to those affected.
Hello. Welcome to our podcast Relationships Shouldn’t Hurt. I'm Tracy from Central Bedfordshire Council, and I'm here today with my colleague Nina. Hi, Nina. How are you?
Nina
Hi, Tracy. I'm good. Thank you, how are you?
Tracy
I'm very well, thank you. So today we're talking about coercive control as a dynamic used in domestic abuse. Before we explore the different aspects of how coercive control is used within an intimate relationship, it's really important to say that coercive control underpins all forms of domestic abuse and removes the autonomy of the victim. Victims are held hostage in a relationship that they are unable to leave and like any other hostage situation, they are powerless and live in constant anxiety. The phrase walking on eggshells describes that level of fear really well. Coercive control can occur within any relationship, between same sex couples or an opposite sex couple, it could even be a family member who behaves in the coercively controlling way and even post separation ex-partners who behaved abusively can still use coercive control to abuse their victims. So Nina, first question; what does coercive control mean?
Nina
Essentially, coercive control is a controlling behaviour that is designed to make a person dependent on you. And you can do that through isolation, isolating people from support, from their families, exploiting people, depriving them of their independence. And we also say regulating their everyday behaviour, when we think about regulating everyday behaviour, really, what we mean is that kind of continual criticism and need for that person to be made accountable for their actions. So that could be anything from how long you were allowed to leave the house for, to what kind of tasks you complete within your house, the sort of food that you buy, it can really be anything. And what we know about coercive control is that it's the coercive control that tells us the risk in a relationship. So how much at risk of really serious harm somebody is at.
Tracy
If somebody is in a relationship and there is coercive control, is there likely to be physical violence?
Nina
No, there doesn't have to be physical violence and often, particularly in the most serious cases where somebody ends up being murdered by their partner or ex-partners, there may not have been a single instance of physical violence right up until that end point, but there will have been coercive control throughout. So people can be in relationships for really long periods of time and be subject to the most awful coercive control but not experience any physical abuse at all. And I think we've seen that more recently in the media, on storylines in EastEnders, Coronation Street and on the radio in the Archers.
Tracy
Yes, that's a really good point actually. I have to, for my sins, have to admit I'm an Archers fan and have been for a very long time. And the way the portrayal of the storyline was so effective, because people around the couple actually saw the abusive partner as a really lovely guy. And that's something I think, that is confusing, isn't it, for victims/survivors who are in a relationship, because how can you tell somebody that the person that you are in love with is actually treating you in this way, when everybody else around you thinks that they are amazing?
Nina
Yes, absolutely. And I really liked the Archers storyline as well, Tracy. I think one of the reasons, liked is the wrong word, but one of the reasons that I thought it was really good was that that that story went on for quite a long time. And so we saw that character being subjected, increasing levels of control in that relationship over a really long period of time. And that's very often perpetrators of domestic abuse are seen to be, and can be in fact, very charming and friendly and generous outside of the home. The thing that really sets out domestic abuse in a relationship is that all of that negativity, all of those kind of feelings of resentment, of anger that people outside of the home aren’t seeing are very often taken out inside the home, on the victim. And sometimes on the children that are living there.
Tracy
In our first podcast with Jenny Bull, we talked about how relationships don't start off in an abusive way, we start with a sort of love bombing phase. Is that same with coercive control?
Nina
Absolutely, start with that grooming phase, that idealisation the person you're in a relationship with can do no wrong. Very often that person is painted as being the Saviour, and we have that narrative through films, books, TV and popular culture, where of men particularly, that are damaged or struggle to trust or build relationships with people and women, very often, that's how it's portrayed in the media and in public. The public setting come in and kind of rescue those men, and then suddenly they can love again. And it often follows that pattern, the grooming in that very early stage of a relationship, and then what you tend to see is really a slow increase, a slow, insidious build of criticism, of continual needs for checks and balances, checking on behaviour on phones, on what somebody is doing. And we see that build really slowly over quite a long period of time in some relationships. So the victim or a person in that relationship, it's very often really difficult for them to see what is happening or to understand what's happening to them. And very often they will feel that it is entirely their fault because they will remember that those early phases and those memories of the beginning of the relationship and be continually trying to get back to that feeling, that if they just do what's being asked of them at some point, they will go back to being with this really loving, open, kind, generous person.
Tracy
I guess, as well, that's where the idea of walking on eggshells could make sense because you're trying to return to the idealistic relationship that you had with your partner before the abuse started. Gaslighting is a term that’s used sometimes when we're talking about domestic abuse. What does that mean?
Nina
Gaslighting is a term that has come from an old black and white film, that I believe was made sometime in the 1940’s called Gaslight. And the plot involved a husband who tried to make his wife feel as though she was going insane, and one of the tactics that he used to do that was going around the house and turning all the lamps down, and during the day and of an evening, and telling her that no one had touched the lights. So she generally by the end of the film felt that she was going insane from second guessing herself and not knowing what was happening around them. And that had a bit of a resurgence, that phrase in the last few years. It's a great phrase, I think, to really capture that insidious nature of coercive control. So what that can often sound like is that repeated you're overreacting, you're getting upset over nothing, this is your fault, or you're being really dramatic, why don't you just calm down, those statements that are used to really minimise what the person is feeling and to redirect whatever it is that’s happening from the perpetrator back onto the victim to make them feel like it's their fault. And that really feeds into that sense of needing to walk on eggshells. Because if you feel that at any moment, you could say or do something that might trip this, really, in your mind, really loving, kind, generous person into this really critical, demeaning, domineering character. If you feel that that's your responsibility, then actually, you do spend your life feeling as though you are just about to do something wrong, or about to make a decision or a choice that will bring negative consequences. You do end up feeling like you're just walking on eggshells all the time.
Tracy
If anyone is listening to the podcast at the moment and they're worried about their relationship, we would recommend that they contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. I know that the number is given out at the beginning, but just to remind everybody it’s 08082000247, and that number is available 24/7 every single day of the year, regardless if it's a bank holiday or not. What we have been talking about, Nina, is the relationship where the abusive partner is a man. Is that a fair comment to say that more women are victims of coercive control? Can men be victims of coercive control?
Nina
Absolutely Tracy, anyone can be a victim of coercive control, irrespective of gender or sexuality. So we've been talking a lot today about heterosexual relationships, so a man being a perpetrator against a woman. But it can also happen in lesbian, gay and trans relationships as well. And there are different dynamics in those relationships, different implications and different things that can be used, that those people who identify in that way need specific support with, and having said that there is the Domestic Abuse National Helpline which we've talked about, but there is also specific support available to men from Respect and from ManKind, who both have male victim webchats and helplines for men to be able to just have that conversation about whether what they're experiencing in their relationship is abusive, and what support that they can access. We have a male victim group in Central Bedfordshire, which is run by the Early Childhood Partnership, it offers male victims an opportunity, again, to sit in a non-judgmental space and just explore what's happening in their relationship. And then for those individuals that identify as being lesbian, gay or trans, we would recommend using the Galop helpline who offer specialist advice for lesbian, gay, trans people who are experiencing any form of domestic abuse but in particular as we're talking about today, coercive control.
Tracy
All of those support services that Nina’s mentioned can be found on the Get Help page of the Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership website. Nina, sometimes we hear people say that the domestic abuse can't be that bad, and if it was, she would leave. How do you feel about that?
Nina
There's a really common narrative around domestic abuse, so it's a really common stereotype to think that if somebody is in a position where they're being abused or made to feel bad about themselves, that they would be able to leave a relationship. And I think, as I mentioned earlier, the thing with the coercive control is that underpins domestic abuse in all relationships. And the thing with coercive control is that over a period of time, it really pervades all elements of someone's life. So it limits their capacity to make decisions, but also limits their belief that they are able to make decisions. So it makes it almost impossible to leave. And someone who has written an awful lot about coercive control, Evan Stark, kind of likened someone in a coercively controlling relationship becomes a captive in that world and that abuser’s world, and they are trapped by their perception of the world. And it is a world of confusion, contradiction and fear, and it creates a sense of invisible chains where people in really controlling relationships very often feel that they have no choice and no option to get out. So I understand that there is that really common, like we said, narrative and I think that's there for all forms of domestic abuse. We hear that frequently when we're dealing with quite serious physical assaults as well, which is why don't they leave, if it was that bad. But actually, for those people in relationships that are underpinned by coercive control and domestic abuse, leaving isn't always an option.
Tracy
And we also know that leaving isn't always a safe option, either.
Nina
Absolutely, yes, we know without a shadow of a doubt that victims are most at risk of really serious harm and injury, and sometimes death, at point of separation. That's the point that they're most vulnerable. And actually victims know that themselves. They spend a long time, people spend a long time in their relationships trying to manage that abuse and trying to manage the perpetrators so that they don't become, as we talked about, aggressive, abusive, nasty or demeaning. And so they know what triggers that perpetrator and at what point that they are likely to be at most risk. And so when we're thinking about the way we work with people who are experiencing domestic abuse, or if we think about our friends, family members or colleagues that are experiencing it, we need to remember that what most people in those relationships need is a safe space to talk about the things that they're experiencing, to process the things that they are experiencing. And victims need a really long period of time to plan and to leave relationships in a safe way. So that safe, non-judgmental space is so important in allowing people to identify that what they're experiencing is not right, can process the experiences they’re having of their relationships and then plan to move towards safety.
Tracy
So if somebody is worried about a member of their family or their friendship group, or even a work colleague, what would we recommend is the best course of action for them to take?
Nina
I think the most important thing is to have that conversation and offer that space, that non-judgmental space to explore that relationship. So don't assume that everything is OK, ask those questions, ask the question ‘are you afraid of your partner?’ Ask those questions ‘well, what would happen if you didn't do what they wanted?’ And reflect back at them what you're hearing, so ‘well that doesn't sound very fair’ or ‘that doesn't sound as if that's very comfortable for you’, then just offer that non-judgmental time and space where that person isn't expected to make a decision about anything. They're not expected to declare that they’re in an abusive relationship, that they would like to leave, to start planning or making decisions that maybe they're not ready to. It's about providing that non-judgmental space. And as colleagues, as friends and family members we’re ideally positioned to be able to do that for people that we’re concerned about. If somebody is disclosing to you or saying that they are afraid of their partner or that they are in an abusive relationship, so they can recognise and identify the abuse they're experiencing, then definitely sign posting them to the website, to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and the other support services that are available so that they can access professional help and support in order to move towards safety.
Tracy
Thank you. I guess at the moment, because we're again in a lockdown situation, the opportunities for coercive control increase.
Nina
Yes, there is twofold to this question around the impact of domestic abuse on the Covid lockdown restrictions, Tracy. So the first one is absolutely that we're concerned about people that are now being forced to stay at home with partners who are abusive. And we know that from the first lockdown, calls to helplines around concerns for domestic abuse increased astronomically, so we expect to see that again. The other aspect of this is that actually, these lockdown restrictions often play into those demands and behaviours of a coercively controlling partner. So what we're also seeing is complaints of domestic abuse going down during lockdown restrictions, because it is almost allowing the perpetrator that full control over somebody's life and their access to resources, to support, to friends, to families is so restricted that actually, in a way, very perversely, is keeping perpetrators of coercive control quite happy. And actually, it's at the point of the loosening of restrictions that we start to see an increase or escalation in coercive controlling behaviour or other forms of domestic abuse, because at that point the perpetrators are losing that control. People are going back out into the workplace, back out to see family and friends, and that can be quite threatening to somebody who is adamant in keeping full control over another person.
Tracy
If it's difficult for anyone to make a phone call because they're fearful of being overheard, or if making a phone call is not safe, The National Domestic Abuse Helpline has a webchat facility or email service, which means that you can contact them at a time that's convenient for you, or safe for you. Please check the website first for the times of the chat, and the website also has a button on it so that you can leave the site immediately and safely and it doesn't show in your history. What about children? How are children affected by coercive control? What they see and hear.
Nina
Coercive control is as damaging and destructive for children as it is for the victims that are experiencing it directly. Very often, the perpetrators of coercive control will use children, in a way, to control their partner, to control the victim, and what children then grow up with is that sense that they are, because children are aware that they are not the priority in that relationship and that the priority is maintaining that status quo, that calm between perpetrator and victim. So we often see children responding either becoming very defensive of the victim in that relationship, or modelling, sometimes you see them modelling the behaviour of the perpetrator. Irrespective of the way children responding to and behave as a result of domestic abuse, what we know is that it underpins their sense of safety of being at home. So home isn't a safe space, home is anxiety provoking, it can trigger fear, distress and upset. And there isn't, particularly again, we're talking about being in lockdown, there isn't anywhere safe that children can go to express, or process or talk to somebody about that. So for children growing up in homes where coercive control is a dynamic, they grow up with that sense that home is not a safe space, it isn't okay to be themselves, that negative emotions are scary because they can evoke such strong reactions in the adults around them and that their needs will never be as important as the perpetrator’s needs, that those needs must be identified and met first. So it can create a whole raft of issues and problems for children and young people that they very often take forward into adulthood and through their lives and through their own relationships. I have to say what we're talking about, the impact of domestic abuse on children, that just because you've grown up with domestic abuse or just because you've witnessed coercive control as a child, doesn't mean that you're necessarily going to go on and be either a victim or a perpetrator. That isn't what we're saying at all, it does mean, though, that you carry the scars of those experiences and of your upbringing through into your adult life and that they will cause, say, upset, sadness, distress and can cause mental health issues like depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, well into adulthood.
Tracy
We have mentioned the Archers, and we've mentioned EastEnders and Coronation Street as well. But the comedian Janey Godley has produced some short films that are available on YouTube called Alone, and they really describe her relationship with her husband. It's obviously a coercively controlling relationship, and it just sort of, in these short scenes we just get this feeling of a sad life. But she's coped, hasn't she? She has managed to, the relationship has ended because of the fact that her husband has died and she's now on her own. But she talks about him in a way that the relationship wasn't always negative but reflecting on it with her son there were a lot of issues in their relationship, but her and her son have made it through. So I think we also recommend that people have a look at those. They're available on YouTube, I think, aren't they?
Nina
Yes, absolutely, and you're right. They are great, it's a great series of a very short videos, they're only about five or six minutes long each, aren't they? Four in total and they do absolutely highlight the strength of relationship and feeling that people have about their relationships, even where there is considerable coercive control. And also, I think, really highlight that need for that safe, non-judgmental space. I think what we, what Janey got across so well in those videos was the isolation of her character from her family members, from her son, from her friends whilst her husband was alive and about how, and it's about the process of making those reconnections afterwards, isn't it? But yes, just really highlights that need for a safe, non-judgmental space to be able to just be, through when you're experiencing any form of domestic abuse, really, but particularly the coercive control that they were talking about in the in the films.
Tracy
I think what's important as well is the acknowledgement that if a relationship ends, it doesn't mean that the victim gets over it really quickly. That's a long process, and it can take years, I think. Would that be fair?
Nina
Absolutely. And some research, done recently by Women's Aid to show that it takes between two and five years for a victim of domestic abuse to feel safe after leaving a relationship, which sounds like an incredibly long period of time. But I think like you say, it takes that time to process that relationship and to learn to trust again, because it destroys our trust in other adults and in relationships and in our homes being a safe space, and that is the damage that takes the longest time, I think, to kind of process and repair.
Tracy
So if somebody has left an abusive relationship, very soon they're going to need that continued support and safe space to look at their feelings and to reflect back and go forward hopefully.
Nina
Absolutely, I think we often overlook, when we're talking about domestic abuse, we often overlook the fact that people are very much in love with their partners. It is a very complex relationship to leave and to process. So you are grieving the loss of your love, but also the loss of your own kind of sense of trust in relationships, and your own sense of safety, as well as having to process the things that you have been through and those experiences of domestic abuse. So it's incredibly complex, and it does take time. I think, as professionals, particularly, we're very good at coming in at point of crisis and very good at putting that support in place, to assist somebody to leave a relationship or to get people to immediate safety. But actually that process and the journey of a domestic abuse victim is much longer than that. Once they've managed to move to a place of physical safety, they do then need that space, that time, and like you say whether that be through counselling, with friends, with family, to kind of process what has happened to them and to enable them to process all those really complex feelings about the relationship that's just ended.
Tracy
Coercive control as you said, it really is an insidious form of domestic abuse, and it's almost like a sort of overarching theme that runs through domestic abuse. And as long as the victim/survivor is doing what the abusive partner wants then things remain at a level. Nina, we've mentioned that we are in another lockdown at the moment. But we also need to make people aware that if they do need to leave an abusive relationship, then whatever restrictions are in place, they are allowed to do that.
Nina
Yes, Boris Johnson actually mentioned that when he gave his Prime Minister's speech at the beginning of this third lockdown, he mentioned specifically that you are allowed to leave your home if you are fleeing domestic abuse. So if you're in an abusive relationship, you are still able to leave even though we are in lockdown. You are still able to access support and services online and over the phone, who will be able to talk to you about how you can access places of safety.
Tracy
So just to reiterate to everybody, if you need to talk to somebody about your relationship call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 08082000247, you can visit the Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership Website. If you are in immediate danger, we would recommend that you called the Police on 999. Well, I think we've covered coercive control, Nina, today. Thank you very much for your time.
Nina
Okay. Thank you very much for having me.
Thank you for listening to Relationships Shouldn't Hurt. If you or someone you know has been affected by domestic abuse or the issues raised in this podcast, you can contact the 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 08082000247. You can also find lots of information about domestic abuse on our website, and if you're in the Bedfordshire area, you can find local support services on the Get Help page of this website. If you are in immediate danger, please call the Police on 999.