You are listening to Relationships Shouldn't Hurt, a podcast brought to you by Central Bedfordshire Council. During this series, you'll be able to hear us talk all things domestic abuse and raise awareness of the support available to those affected.
Hello and welcome to Relationships Shouldn't Hurt, a series of podcasts around all things domestic abuse. This is an additional episode that we're recording because Christmas is a time that isn't always safe for people living in an abusive relationship. I'm Tracy Mintern, and I'm part of the domestic abuse team at Central Bedfordshire Council. The festive season is not a good time for domestic abuse and every year there are reports of an increase in domestic abuse and violence. Some of the reasons are because we're spending more time at home behind closed doors and with all the extra additional pressures that Christmas can bring. And this year, Christmas follows our second national lockdown. During the first lockdown, we all saw or heard about how domestic abuse seemed to spiral out of control. It was like the hidden pandemic, we had Covid, but we also had domestic abuse, but that wasn't spoken about so much. There's never an excuse for abuse, but we all know that there are some triggers that make things worse. So when we're all cooped up together, for example, over the Christmas holidays, we’re not able to socialise with our usual support network or family or friends. Maybe there's more alcohol about. We're worrying about jobs. Worrying about finances, we’re worrying about the future. We know that things can get worse when someone is living with an abusive partner. So as we get closer to the festive season, we want to remind you all out there that no matter how difficult it may seem, you're not alone with domestic abuse, even at Christmas time. And there is help available for you. So I'm here today talking to Jenny Bull from Victim Support. Jenny, can you give us a brief overview of what we mean when we talk about domestic abuse? And for anyone who didn't listen to episode one.
Jenny
Hi Tracy, thank you. Yes, domestic abuse comes in so many different forms. It can be physical abuse or violence, but can also be emotional or verbal abuse, or sexual or financial abuse. It is many things, but the main thing to remember is that it is all about control. It usually starts with unhealthy, controlling behaviours with the abuser using threats or intimidation, or lies or jealous behaviour etc. to make their victim feel scared or isolated, and, more generally, to make them feel useless or stupid or bad about themselves. This makes it so much harder for someone to speak out or to ask for help. And when you think that the person doing all the controlling stuff could be a partner, a husband, a wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or another family member, then it just makes domestic abuse even scarier to think about.
Tracy
So over the Christmas holidays, those couple of days when we actually have a Bank Holiday, is there any support out there for people?
Jenny
Yes, and actually it's great to be able to remind everyone, especially anyone listening who is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship now, that there is support for them over the festive season, even on Christmas Day. What I would say is that if you already know that Christmas is going to be tough for your relationship or your family because of ongoing abuse, then have a think now about how you might be able to make things safer for you and for your family. If you can get online safely there's a lot of advice available out there. Obviously, we have to recognise that for some people living with the highest risk domestic abuse, that getting online is a pretty big challenge in itself. And for them we would hope that they can somehow find a safe space to reach out to someone they trust, a GP, maybe someone at school or even a neighbour. So if you are neighbour listening, make sure that you know what to do if someone reaches out to you, because making sure we know where someone can get help is something that we can all do to help. The wonderful National Domestic Abuse Helpline always manages to stay open all through the festive season, and they can support and advise anyone who is struggling or worried about themselves or someone else. Their number is 08082000247 and they are open 24/7, 365 days a year. They also have a webchat service, which might be a preferred way to contact them for some people, that's usually open Monday to Friday, 3pm to 10pm, or you can send them a message by email, and they will normally respond in about 48 hours. If someone is in immediate danger or concerned about somebody else being in immediate danger, then our advice would always be to call the Police on 999 and ask for help. And we would also remind everyone listening to check out the Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership’s website, that contains loads of information about local and national support services. And keep an eye out on their social media as they will keep everything updated during the holiday season. So on Twitter that's @BedsDV, and obviously if you're using Facebook or other platforms, then search for the Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership. I should also say that if you're worried about a child at any time, including during the festive season, then you can get in touch with your local authority. Also, wherever you are across Bedfordshire, you can report a safeguarding concern outside of normal hours on 0300300123. But again if you think that you or someone else is in danger call the Police. And if you call the Police on 999, but then can't speak for some reason, you can make what we call a silent call. You need to cough or make a noise, and then press 55 and listen to the Police Operator who will tell you what to do next.
Tracy
Thanks, Jenny. So that's for somebody that might be feeling that they are at risk themselves. But what if you're worried about a family member or a friend or possibly a neighbour? What can you do to help them?
Jenny
Well, that's a really difficult situation to be in. But as I said previously, there are things that we can do to help, and we don't have to be experts. That's the thing. We don't have to be worried and think I'm not an expert how can I possibly help? What I would suggest is if you can do it safely, then let them know that you are a safe space for them, that you care about them, maybe that you are worried about them, and then if they do reach out, it's really important to listen to them and let them know you believe them and will help where you can. You can make sure that you know where they can get support for example, and once again, a good place to start is to check out the Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership’s website or get in touch with one of the many national helplines for advice. There's the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, which we mentioned before. There's a Men's Advice Line. There's an LGBTQ helpline, which is run by Galop UK. Victim Support has a 24-hour support line. And, of course, there’s Child Line. All this information is on the Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership’s website, and they have the Get Help page there and they've just got loads of information on there, which is kept pretty much up to date. What I would say to anybody who is worried about a friend or a family member that they're not in touch with, I suppose, is if you can only call one number, then I would call the Police. In an emergency always call 999. In other situations, you can call the 101 number. The Police are, after all, specialists at keeping people safe, and they can advise or support.
Tracy
Thanks, Jenny. Before we finish Jenny and I have got some top tips for you. So, Jenny, what are your two top tips?
Jenny
Thanks, Tracy. So I guess my first top tip would be to anybody listening, please ask for help. You are not on your own. And I think my second top tip would be just to remind everybody that there is always going to be help available. So even on Christmas Day, there is someone out there who cares about you. And who cares that you are safe.
Tracy
Thanks, Jenny. So my top tips are Christmas is coming. So think now, get some safety planning ahead of the big day and get any safety numbers that you need into your phone. Any websites that you might need. And as Jenny has said throughout this podcast, go to the BDAP website. Any telephone numbers that have been mentioned in this podcast are actually on the website. If you have a look on the Get Help pages. And my other tip is talk to somebody that you can trust. Tell them what's happening to you and, if necessary, ask them to help you. And that could be whatever you're experiencing, and it could be that your ex might be stalking you or harassing you. Now people think of stalking and harassment and don't realise that getting a zillion texts that are unwanted, or calls or WhatsApp messages is actually stalking. And if that's happening to you, call the Police on 101 and say that you need to talk to an officer because you're being stalked. I think that's all from both of us, isn't it, Jenny?
Jenny
That's it for me. So I suppose the only thing I would say is stay safe everybody.
Thank you for listening to Relationships Shouldn't Hurt. If you or someone you know has been affected by domestic abuse or the issues raised in this podcast, you can contact the 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 08082000247. You can also find lots of information about domestic abuse on our website, and if you're in the Bedfordshire area, you can find local support services on the Get Help page of this website. If you are in immediate danger, please call the Police on 999.