You are listening to Relationships Shouldn't Hurt, a podcast brought to you by Central Bedfordshire Council. During this series, you'll be able to hear us talk all things domestic abuse and raise awareness of the support available to those affected.
During this podcast, we will be discussing the sensitive subject of sexual abuse. Therefore, we would ask you to consider whether you have children or young people around you who may be able to hear this podcast. If you have been affected by sexual abuse in the past and feel that you are affected by what you hear, we would encourage you to seek support. Details of support services will be shared throughout the episode. Hello, and welcome back to the Relationships Shouldn’t Hurt podcast. I am Tene from Central Bedfordshire Council, and I am here today with Carlie from the Independent Sexual Violence Advisor Service. Thank you so much for joining us today, Carlie, could you please give our listeners a brief introduction into your role and organisation?
Carlie
Hi Tene, thanks for the invite today. My name is Carlie, and I work for the Independent Sexual Violence Advisory Service in Bedfordshire. It's also known as the ISVA service to some people. As a service, we support anyone who's experienced sexual abuse. This is whether it's been recent or non-recent, and we support both adults and children. So really anyone that's experienced sexual abuse in Bedfordshire can access our service.
Tene
Today we are talking about sexual abuse within an unhealthy relationship where there was domestic abuse taking place. Now, before we get started, I just want to highlight some very alarming statistics. Recent global prevalence figures from the World Health Organisation indicate that about one in three women worldwide have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime. Of those who have experienced a serious sexual assault since the age of 16, the majority took place in the victim's home or the offender's home. Coercive control pressure is used much more frequently by partners than physical force, as 16% of girls having been raped using pressure and coercion, and 6% have been raped using physical force. The Crime Survey for England and Wales found that 4% of men, which is 631,000 male victims, have experienced some form of sexual assault since the age of 16. I mean, I don't know how you feel about listening to those statistics, Carlie, but I found it very shocking to read, especially knowing that a lot of sexual abuse is unreported.
Carlie
Absolutely. And I think it really just, it doesn't highlight the true statistics. We know that a lot of this goes unreported, so those figures are absolutely shocking. But it highlights really, kind of, a very small amount of what we know to be happening.
Tene
Definitely. And its consent violation, isn't it that is often the issue when we talk about sexual abuse? Carlie, can you explain to our listeners what consent is and what consent looks like?
Carlie
Absolutely, so I think there's a few things we need to consider when we're looking at consent, and the way I look at it is there needs to be certain things to happen for consent to take place, and the first thing we consider is that consent is freely given. So it should be your choice, and that choice should be made without pressure or manipulation. We also need to consider that choice should happen without you being under the influence of drugs and alcohol. So again you have the capacity to be able to make that decision. It should be reversible, so anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing at any time. Even if you've done it before, so something that you may have done with a partner previously, you have the right to not want to do it next time. It should be informed; you can only consent to something if you have the full story, and I guess for me an example of this would be if someone says that they're going to use a condom and then they don't, that would be an example where you haven't been able to give full consent. It's got to be enthusiastic when it comes to sex, you should only do things that you want to do. It shouldn't be that you feel that you're expected to do something. And I think we also need to look that it needs to be specific, saying yes to one thing, that could be, you know, kissing and cuddling doesn't mean that you've consented to other things such as having sex. I think there's a lot of myths when we look at consent around, if you're married, even if you are married, it doesn't matter what type of relationship you're in, consent is still needed when we look at sex. You should always have the final say over what happens to your body, it doesn't matter if you said yes earlier, and then you changed your mind. I think, really, ultimately, you're allowed to say stop at any time and that should be respected.
Tene
You mentioned some of the misconceptions around sexual abuse, and in my role at Central Bedfordshire Council reading and listening to survivor stories and also outside of my work, I've noticed that there appears to be a misconception that sexual abuse cannot happen between individuals in dating, relationships or marriages. But you and I both know that this is far from the truth. I mean, what does sexual abuse look like in a domestic, abusive relationship?
Carlie
I think you're absolutely right, you know, sexual abuse is a form of domestic abuse when you're in a relationship, and it can occur at any point in the relationship. I think some of the examples we've got of what sexual abuse could look like, it's different for different people, and I think, it's just it's whatever you don't feel comfortable with. That could be things such as unwanted touching, it could be demands for sex, force and sex. We've had clients we’ve worked with where there's maybe sexual name calling and possibly when we're looking at domestic abuse demanding for sex after an incident, it could possibly be forcing you to engage in sex work or pornography, it could be forcing you to have sex with others and ultimately insisting you do something you don't feel comfortable with. It could be refusing to use safe practices. It could also be preventing you from using birth control, controlling what decisions you have about pregnancy and also abortion. We sometimes see sexual abuse around withholding sex as a form of control. And then we also know when we've seen in the media as well around revenge porn, that actually videotaping and photographing sexual acts without your consent and then sharing this. I think it's really important to highlight that sexual abuse is not acceptable in any relationship, and we also need to consider that actually, when we look at sexual abuse and we look at domestic abuse, this may also be when it's not just ex-partners. This could also be family members that we need to consider when we're looking at sexual abuse. It could be ex-partners, not just current partners.
Tene
So we've spoken about what consent is, what sexual abuse is and what sexual abuse can look like in domestic, abusive relationship. And as you mentioned earlier Carlie, sexual abuse is absolutely unacceptable, and it's among the most devastating human rights violations in the world. But much of it is often unreported. In your experience as an Independent Sexual Violence Advisor?
Carlie
With lots of people I’ve worked with, there's a lot of shame and guilt attached to the sexual abuse they've experienced, and often a feeling that they won't be believed, that someone couldn't believe what's happened to them. I think a lot of the myths out there feed into that, so when we look at sexual abuse, we know those myths are out there that, you know, why was she out there late at night? Why was she wearing those clothes? And those types of myths feed into why victims do not disclose to people, do not seek help, because they feel that they're not going to be believed. I think some of the common feelings and effects, it's different for everyone, and I think there's no right or wrong feeling people will experience when they've been through sexual abuse. Feelings could be a real change in trusting others, so that once you've experienced something like that, actually who they trust and how they trust and what they share with people may change. They may feel very angry, and they may start to blame people, or they may blame themselves for what's happened. They may experience a numbness and a loss of control, and that would be about everything that's going on for them, so it could be a loss of control over day-to-day activities in their life. There could be a sense of feeling very helpless and that there isn't anyone that can help them. Fear and self-blame and guilt, I think, really do feed into why people don't report, and I think we really do as a society need to really support survivors of sexual abuse and make sure that we are listening, and we are hearing what they're saying and we're believing what they're saying. So also, some of the effects survivors that have experienced sexual abuse have often shared with us is that they can experience flashbacks and nightmares. It could present in severe anxiety, they could have uncontrollable thoughts, and again that kind of goes into those flashbacks and what they're experiencing. Often people I’ve worked with experience trouble sleeping, they may experience weight loss or weight gain, and with that comes that kind of loss of energy and that struggle to focus with what they're doing, this could be around their home life, this could be around their schoolwork. Sometimes, because of these effects, we look at different coping mechanisms, and sometimes that may involve people using food as a way of coping. There could be other mechanisms, such as self-medication, and that could be in the forms of possibly, use of alcohol or substance misuse. It really can change the way you view the world, and it can make you feel very, very unsafe with what you're experiencing day-to-day.
Tene
You mentioned you look at many different coping mechanisms, I assume this is in regard to your organisation, the Independent Sexual Violence Advisor’s Service. How does your organisation support victims who are feeling this way and have experienced sexual abuse?
Carlie
So we can support in a number of ways really, the first and foremost and what I'd want to share with everyone is that you do not have to have reported the sexual abuse to the Police to work and engage with our service. We always work with our survivors at their pace. For some of our clients, they never want to make an official report, and that's absolutely fine and that's their choice. And what we will look at is areas in which we can support them and whether that's looking at maybe talking therapies and counselling provision. Whether that's looking emotional and practical advice we can offer them, possibly signpost into other services for a better support network. We can also support in terms of the criminal justice process, and that could be making an initial report to the Police so we can support survivors actually going through that process. We can talk them through what that process looks like before they make any decisions about whether they want to make a report. If they have made a report to the Police, we can support them through the investigation and that could be keeping them up to date with what's going on. And if it progressed to the criminal justice process and it goes through to court, we can also look at supporting them in terms of how they can feel as safe as possible in that environment. And that could be special measures, that could be supporting them at court and post court as well. What does that look like for them? How can we make sure that they've got the best possible support in place for them following any criminal proceedings? So really, we're open to any support that really helps our survivors move on. A lot of the work we do will be in a multi-agency setting, working with other agencies to make sure our clients are supported. We can work with anyone around anything they need to kind of move forward.
Tene
Thank you Carlie, it really is amazing work that both you and the Independent Sexual Violence Advisors Service do to support victims, and I think it's really important to highlight the fact that you can support victims who report anonymously, as I know that fear of retaliation is a barrier for many victims when it comes to opening up about sexual abuse, and I know there might be people tuning in who are experiencing or who have experienced sexual abuse and are feeling very angry or numb like you mentioned and don't know what to do about it. What advice would you give to somebody going through this?
Carlie
I think, first of all, if you are feeling this, we are available to talk to. Part of our role is to listen, so you can call us up, you can tell us as little or as much information as you like, and we can be there to listen and then we can, we can absolutely give you options, but you don't have to take any of these options, so there's no pressure in terms of that. We are a confidential service. We work with you really, with what you want to do and how you want to go about it. In terms of that kind of confidentiality and maybe worrying about further repercussions if they reported, we also have mechanisms in place where we can report anonymously, and that's both through our service, you could make a report and we can give the Police the intelligence anonymously, so that's one way some of our survivors feel more safe about making a report. We could also look at other safety measures as well, if you are within the relationship, how we can make you as safe as possible. If you're maybe not feeling ready to leave that relationship or you don't want to leave that relationship, but you just want a little bit of advice about what you can seek, we can link you in with other agencies, such as the Independent Domestic Violence Advisory Service and other domestic abuse support services in the local area that might be able to give you some support and guidance, possibly around civil orders and general safety.
Tene
One thing that I think would be really important to talk about for our listeners, is advice for people who are being disclosed to. So if you are somebody who someone has come to, to share that they have experienced or is experiencing sexual abuse, what do you think is the best way for people to respond? And how can they support that person in the best way possible?
Carlie
First and foremost, it can be really, really difficult when you hear someone make a disclosure of sexual abuse and sometimes, we know through the survivors we work with, the first person they've talked to maybe a family or a friend or another professional they work with. And I think for me some of those kind of tips on how to deal or how to respond to a disclosure would be first and foremost don't judge, just listen. It's really important that they feel that they can, they can talk, and they can confide in someone. Try not to judge on what's happened or their situation, as we've talked about previously there is a lot of self-blame and shame when it comes to sexual abuse, and we need to make sure that people feel comfortable about talking to us. Don't blame them, sexual assault is never the fault of the person that's been abused, and again it feeds into those myths we have, which is why often people don't make reports through that fear of them being blamed or not believe. Listen to the person, don't ask for details of what happened, but be available. Listen, avoid questions such as, why didn't they stop this? It feeds into that blame, and we also know people respond to trauma in such different ways, not everyone is going to have the same reaction. And again, we want to make sure that people feel comfortable being able to report to us. You can offer practical support, and that could be things such as going to appointments with them, making a disclosure with them, sitting at a Police station with them, if that's what they want to do. Don't tell them to forget about the assault. This takes time, and it's different for all survivors that we work with. They're going to go through different emotions and different feelings. And really, you can help by just listening and being patient. And I think ultimately, and sometimes the hardest thing to do if you're supporting someone, is about respecting their decisions. They may not want to, or they may not be ready to tell anyone. And actually, the first steps are just being able to talk to someone about what they've experienced. If you're that first person that they've made that disclosure to, it's about being available, listening, being patient and giving some advice about what they can do.
Tene
Thank you, Carlie, and how can somebody who has experienced or is experiencing sexual abuse, approach the Independent Sexual Violence Advisors service for help. And are there any other services that they can go to for support in terms of support?
Carlie
In terms of support and who you can go to for help, there's different ways. For anyone that has received a disclosure of sexual abuse, you can also go to these agencies, so if you're supporting someone you can contact the Independent Sexual Violence Advisory Service just for some advice around kind of how you can help that individual and what support is available to them. If you are a survivor of domestic abuse, you can also contact the Independent Sexual Violence Advisory Service directly, and we will be able to listen and give you options on what support looks like for you, you know, depending on what you'd like to do. There is a Sexual Assault Referral Centre, also known as the SARC, in Bedfordshire, and they can take direct referrals and also referrals from professionals. You can go to the Police, and I think what I would stress at this point is, sometimes I think there's that fear that if you go to the Police, there's going to be a formal investigation and when survivors do go to make a disclosure of sexual abuse, it's very victim led. If a survivor wants to make a disclosure but is not ready to make a formal statement, the Police will be led by that. They will talk you through what that process looks like and what the options are. There is also really good information on the NHS website, you could go to your GP for support and there's a lot of local domestic abuse support services in Bedfordshire and I would advise anyone to go on the Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership website to really have a look at where they are based within Bedfordshire and what support would be accessible to them.
Tene
The Sexual Abuse Referral Centre can be contacted on 01234842750. More information about the Independent Sexual Violence Advisory Service can be found on their website and you can call 111 to get through to the NHS. So if you have been affected by sexual abuse, or know somebody who has, please contact any of these support services mentioned throughout this podcast. Carlie, the information you have shared today has been extremely valuable. Thank you so much for your time and joining us today.
Carlie
Thank you so much for the invite. Thank you.
Thank you for listening to Relationships Shouldn't Hurt. If you or someone you know has been affected by domestic abuse or the issues raised in this podcast, you can contact the 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 08082000247. You can also find lots of information about domestic abuse on our website, and if you're in the Bedfordshire area, you can find local support services on the Get Help page of this website. If you are in immediate danger, please call the Police on 999.