You are listening to Relationships Shouldn't Hurt, a podcast brought to you by Central Bedfordshire Council. During this series you'll be able to hear us talk all things domestic abuse and raise awareness of the support available to those affected. This episode could contain content which some listeners may find upsetting, distressing or triggering. Links to support services will be discussed throughout the episode and can be accessed at any time through the episode transcription or Get Help page on www.bedsdv.org.uk.
Hello,
welcome. My name is Helen Green. I am the Domestic Abuse Specialist Officer for
Central Bedfordshire Council.
Nikki
Hi, I'm
Nikki Harding from Central Bedfordshire Council, as the Domestic Abuse
Engagement Officer.
Clare
Hi, my
name's Clare Edwards and I work for the Bedfordshire IDVA Service under Victim
Support, and I'm a Health and Communities IDVA who covers Luton, Bedford and
Central Bedfordshire.
Nikki
Thanks,
Clare. And just to confirm, IDVA stands for Independent Domestic Violence
Advisor.
Helen
Within
this episode we will provide practical specialist support and advice. So Clare,
I wonder if you could tell us, please, what indicators you may notice in a
friend or family member in their relationship that might cause concern that
their relationship is unhealthy?
Clare
I think
it's difficult unless you observe it yourself. A lot of indicators could be
nothing or they could be something. But I think the quite standout ones, such
as in a social setting or in a family environment observing that the tone in
which an abusive person might be talking or it could be always answering for
them, you know, it could be things like notice that the person is isolating
themselves or might be that being isolated from contact with family and
friends, who maybe once would have been close and held quite close
relationships with each other. They could just appear to be frightened or
withdrawn. There could also be signs of physical violence so if, you know, it's
quite common for us to have a bump or a bruise every now and again, but if
you’re noticing those things on a regular basis then you might feel that you
want to have a conversation with that person, if you're concerned for their
welfare. It's very common and it can literally happen to anybody. It can happen
to all genders, all races, all professional titles, anyone who works in any
sector, it can literally happen to anybody. Domestic abuse is totally non-discriminatory,
so anybody can be impacted. And there are a lot of very high-profile people in
society, even in the media, that are often directly impacted by domestic abuse.
Nikki
An
interesting question that often people ask is why do you think people appear to
accept these behaviours from their partners or family members and remain in the
relationship?
Clare
I think
people decide to remain for a number of reasons. I think sometimes experiencing
domestic abuse can often creep up on somebody. It doesn't always happen
straight away, so they start noticing that there are little things that are
happening, and it feels too awkward to bring that up in case they’re made to
feel like there's a mountain being made out of a molehill. I think there are a
lot of reasons, you know, it could depend on someone's immigration status,
whether they'll be eligible to receive or apply for financial support if they
flee. I think that maybe the abuser could be the main breadwinner of the home
or have access and control to all of the finances. We have circumstances where
a couple will be residing together, and the home is solely in one person's name.
Or they might be a homeowner and think that they won't be entitled to housing
support. It could be that they have pets who often act as an emotional support,
and they're really concerned that if they flee that they're not going to be
able to take them, they'll have to leave them behind. Cultural pressures as
well, you know, in some cultures, it's really frowned upon to leave a
relationship or a marriage and that can create isolation. There are a lot of
other reasons why someone might decide to stay, it might simply be out of fear,
it might be because that's all they know. They've lost their independence and
they don't have the confidence.
Helen
Thanks
very much, Clare. So what about if your friend or family member is male? What
sort of things should we be thinking about?
Clare
We do have
to consider that a victim is likely to be male. And I think that a few of the
barriers that would prevent a male from leaving an abusive relationship would
be, you know, quite often they are the main breadwinners within the home.
Affordability comes in because, you know, they leave and they're responsible
for paying for that family home then are they going to be able to balance
affording to pay for two residential properties? Is that property likely to be
smaller? Yes, are they going to be able to have their children at the weekend
because it's a smaller property? If they can't afford a second property to move
into, what does refuge look like? Because we know that in the UK access to a
male refuge is a lot less than accessing a refuge if you're a female. And I
think not just because we're talking about male victims, but also females, if
you're going to flee and you're not able to take your children with you, you're
going to have that concern around are you going to be responsible for making
your children homeless if you're not going to be paying the upkeep of that
family home anymore? Are you comfortable with leaving your children with that
abusive partner? Are you worried about parental alienation, for example? So
these are just some of the things that I think would prevent a male from
leaving, or cause barriers to them leaving an abusive relationship.
Helen
Thank you
very much, Clare. And when we think of friends and family members that might be
experiencing domestic abuse, we often hear why don't they just leave that
relationship? Why don't they just get out? Why don't they, you know, move away
from their abusive partner? What would you say about that?
Clare
That's
actually the most common question that most people ask when they find out that
someone is experiencing abuse within their relationship. There's a lot of
frustration because there's not a lot of understanding around it. But I think
when you talk about it, and in our experience when we've spoken to the people
that we support, a lot of the losses, thinking about their home and their house
and their belongings and their friends and family, their support network, you
know, if you're going to leave someone, it quite often means that you're
fleeing, which quite often leads into having to go into temporary accommodation
or possibly refuge. You might have to leave your job and you need to apply for
benefits, for example. Affordability then comes into it as well. The guilt
around are you doing the right thing by your children?
But they have peace of mind, and they might find some freedom and they might
acquire a new job or a new home, form new relationships. But ultimately, when
you look at the most common denominator between what you gain and what you
lose, it's fear. So I think there's a lot to be gained and there's a lot of
losses. But ultimately, what prevents people from leaving is that fear around
both of them.
Helen
And
obviously it's the fear of the unknown, I should think is always an overriding
feature for people, really, isn't it? But I suppose in no way that is to
discourage people from making those steps and thinking about the future in a different
way. So if a friend or family member disclosed domestic abuse to you, what
advice would you give? What would you say to them? Do you think you would be
able to provide some examples of family/friend responses that might raise a
risk to the victim survivor?
Clare
I think
that the most important thing for anybody who might listen to this to know, is
the best thing you can do is listen. Let that person share what they want to
share without interruption, because it is probably the first time they've
disclosed to anybody. And we know that there are at least between 30 and 50
separate incidents that will happen before a person decides to disclose for the
first time to anybody. So it’s really important that you listen and let them
just explain what's going on for them. And even though it's the most natural
thing in the world, and we're probably all guilty of it at some stage, you
know, saying just leave, just get out of there, because actually that increases
somebody's risks. It's really important that they access expert advice on how
they can do that safely, because if somebody finds out that someone's planning
to leave or has disclosed, it massively increases their risks because the other
person is fretful that they're starting to lose control.
Nikki
Thanks
Clare and I think that that leads me to my next question, actually, about why
is it important to find that specialist help and advice?
Clare
The reason
that it's important is because those specialists are able to go through very
specific questions with somebody who's experiencing abuse, and they are
designed in a way that allows us to identify what level of risk they're
currently sitting at. And that helps us to inform any safety planning, which
would be the next step, and we would look at all of their needs based on the
risk assessment, based on what's going on for them, who the risks are
attributed to, whether it's just the adult in the relationship or whether there
are children involved as well. Whether there are any additional family members
who might be at risk from the perpetrator, and all of those are included in the
safety plan. And if necessary, we will work with other organisations
collaboratively to ensure that we share information when necessary to put
together a collaborative approach when there is somebody at high risk. So
another reason why it's important to get advice is so that you don't feel the
pressure of being the sole person responsible for rescuing somebody. It's
really important that you don't take it upon yourself to try and rescue
somebody, because actually that can inadvertently increase that person's risk
as well and just to turn up at someone's home and say “well, I'm going to take
you, come on”, even though your heart's in a good place, you're allowing the
perpetrator to know that that person has disclosed what they've been doing to
them and also could be placing yourself in danger as well and making yourself a
target.
Helen
That's
really important, like you say we're not expecting people to solve the
situation out there. It's just about knowing the right places to refer people
and actually letting people speak to the people who are expert in this field
and who know how to give that help and support in the right way for somebody, so
thank you. What do you think that we could say to somebody that they could do
if they think that a friend or family member might be in an unhealthy
relationship?
Clare
I think
it's important to let them know that you're really pleased that they shared that
with you. Because sometimes when you release something that heavy or something
that's worried you internally, sometimes you can be left regretting that
they've spoken and they're likely not to return to that conversation because
they're worried about what someone might be thinking or whether somebody is
going to confront the perpetrator. Let them know that you're pleased that
they've shared that with you, and also ask them the question, what can I do? Is
there anything that I can do that's going to help you in this situation? What
can I do to help you now, or what can I do to help you a little bit down the
line?
Helen
And what
sort of help would you be able to offer in the sense of how would you be able
to help physically? What sort of things would a friend or family member be able
to do?
Clare
They could
be available to store things, such as an emergency bag, so that if that family
member or friend decided to flee or had to flee for their own safety, that they
have access to essential items, for example, for a period of two or three days
to give themselves time to think and be safe and make the right decisions.
Quite often when someone decides to flee, they run out with nothing and so
sometimes just being that safe person where they know that their belongings can
be held without raising suspicion. Or access to another phone or holding copies
of their important documents just in case they needed to flee for example. Maybe
they could be their safe person so that if they've got an agreed code word in
place and that person receives that message, they can notify someone because
they know what's going on already for that person.
Nikki
And I
understand that SafeLives, have a
campaign to give guidance about that?
Clare
Yes, so
you can go to the Safe Lives Reach In campaign and you can access that on www.safelives.org.uk/reach-in. And Equation have also got resources at www.equation.org.uk/need-help/help-someone.
Nikki
That's
really helpful, thank you. And obviously we're directing and signposting and
helping, what if somebody is in a higher risk situation?
Clare
If
somebody was in a higher risk situation, I think that you would be best advised
to gain advice from the police, if it was an emergency, especially, I would be
advising to call 999 if someone's in immediate danger. But if you're worried
about someone and you're unsure, but you've noticed a few things that you're
uncomfortable with, they are services that you can reach out to for advice and
guidance. So there’s the Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership (BDAP)
website and
they've got a lot of useful information and contacts around what you can do if
you're concerned for somebody. And also Victim
Support as well,
there is a 24-hour support line and you can be anonymous and that is 0808 1689
111, there's also access to a live chat via the website. In addition to Women's
Aid, Stepping
Stones and the Bedford
Women's Centre, so there
are a lot of services around to choose from and I think if you had to look at
any one of those, I think you'd be able to gain support and advice about your
concerns.
Nikki
That's brilliant
Clare, and some of those that you offered at the end there, they're all listed
under the BDAP website at www.bedsdv.org.uk.
Helen
Thank you
very much for coming along today Clare and speaking with us about what people
can do for friends and family members if they are concerned. It's been really,
really helpful and very useful. Thank you for your time today.
Clare
Thank you very much.
Thank you for listening to
Relationships Shouldn’t Hurt. If you or someone you know has been affected by
domestic abuse or the issues raised in this podcast, there is support
available. For women, contact the 24-hour National
Domestic Abuse helpline on
08082000247. For men experiencing domestic abuse, contact Men’s Advice Line on 08088010327 or ManKind Initiative on 01823334244. And for members of the LGBTQ+ community,
the Galop LGBT+
Helpline is available on 08009995428.
You can also find lots of information about domestic abuse on our website, www.bedsdv.org.uk, and
if you’re in the Bedfordshire area, you can find local support services on the
Get Help page of this website. All of the telephone numbers mentioned are
also listed. If someone is in immediate danger, please call the Police on 999.